I have a tendency to abandon God when I feel lost. Within days of false loneliness, I run for the hills. I give up. And in those moments I find myself more miserable then ever. When I give up or show signs of hesitation, I expect God to walk into the room and reassure me that he is with me. Time and time again I come to the hard realization that he doesn't do that. He will not give me a sign when I throw temper tantrums. That is not how he works. Since I have started my walk with Christ, I'm discovering how God really operates. And expecting him to show me constant signs is not growth. It will not teach me how to depend on Him and to have faith.
So I am learning new things and going through spiritual trials. My newest lesson is to really trust in Him even when my life seems stagnant or aimless. One of the biggest ideas of Christianity is faith and that is something I tend to forget.
When I run away from God, not only am I hurting but he is hurting too. He feels that abandonment. And when I come stumbling back, I feel like I am back at square one. I become skeptical all over again. I try to apply my own ideas and superstitions to my walk. Which ultimately leads to breaking everything down and re-learning and discovering the true teachings of Christ.
A few evenings ago I had a mental breakdown. It was terrible. Only negative thoughts we're coming into my brain. I was furious at God. Pissed about what I have gone through and why I don't deserve it. Pissed about my money situation and how I still feel lost in life. And I yelled and kicked and screamed and nothing happened. I just fell asleep. When I awoke the next morning, I felt different than the night before. I felt blessed about my job and my family. I felt happy. And that's when I realized that God has blessed me and I can't look for the negative things. I have to focus on Him and all the wonderful things he has put in my life.
And I have been wondering, how long will God chase me?
Why should I continue to run away when He is always by my side?
And where is my faith?
Maybe I haven't reached the next level because I keep falling. I take three steps forward and then four steps back. So maybe in realizing that my next area of growth is to stop running away when things look bad is my new conviction. It is my growth. God has blessed me.
Thank you, Lord.
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3 comments:
drewby I love this!
Drew, life is hard, life is a struggle every day, you should be happy about your family, your friends, they are a (for the lack of a better term)blessing, I don't know what you know about what I believe or don't, but I will tell you.
I have no super-natural beliefs, I only believe what is natural, I accept reality on realities terms, science is the best tool for understanding reality. I am not here to "preach" to you about what you should believe, that is solely up to you, but I would like to tell my story about how I came to be me.
Many years ago I was a fundamentalist christian, I fell into all the trappings of the faith, I gave my heart and soul, I judged and alienated people who were different, and I stopped thinking, for awhile anyway.
As the years passed though doubt started to creep into my head, it was pretty tame at first, like what happens to all the people that never heard of Jesus? But when I asked this question and others all I got were mis-direction or it was the "Devil". I was told that the questions I had in my head was Satan, well needless to say that shut me up, for awhile.
But things were not going well, I went to church groups and trips pray my ever loving ass off for God to move me in the way he did to my friends, but to no avail. God was silent. This was frustrating, I thought something must be wrong with me, I was not praying hard enough, maybe it was that I thought to long on that girl in the pew over there. Please God. The silent response was deafening.
I have always loved science, but there was a problem with this to, it was inconsistent with my faith, so like so many others I ignored it, for awhile.
As I got older and started to move away from church but not from God I would try to merge science and God, I would find that harder to do than I realized, when I opened my mind and started to ask hard questions a whole world opened up. I looked at the history of Christianity and I almost shit myself, I soon came to the conclusion that it was full of crap, there is no support for the bible anywhere, Adam an Eve, The flood, the tower of Babel, Moses, Jesus, none, nothing that could possibly be a justification for a system of belief.
I started reading the Old Testament, and I soon found that God was a evil dick, human sacrifice(Abraham,Jeptha)Mass murder(Sodom)and infanticide on a scale that no liberal supporter of abortion would fathom of condoning.
And many more atrocities that raise the hairs on the back of my neck, and the New Testament is not much better. I never would have ever thought I would give up God, but I did. I don't "know" there is no God, but I can't believe he is real if he is any thing like how the bible says he is.
I tell you this because I fought this battle alone, and wish I had someone who I could talk to that would not freak out about these things. I would love to have a talk about this if you want, I think you are really smart guy, and have a lot of respect for you and it is why I am telling you this, you are family and I care for you. I offer no comfort in my world view, I offer no afterlife, I offer no deity that grants contrition for your soul, if you fuck up there is no sky-daddy to forgive you of your transgressions, you are responsible not satan, or the failings of Adam and Eve. Just look up "The Problem Of Evil" on Wiki. Or you could just ignore me and go on with life, I will not be mad, this is a hard topic to confront, but I will always be here for you if feel so inclined.
"I would rather live in ignorance than live a lie." I forgot who said this.
Oh bye the way this is your cousin Aaron that wrote that last comment.
Email:skinnymull@gmail.com
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