Thursday, July 30, 2009
2:00 am
It's not that I need to love someone (although I do)... it's that I'm missing being loved by someone else. It's gone. And I miss it. I want to know that I am important. There is no need for you to be so independent. Dependency is not a bad thing. You can depend on me if you want. In fact... I want you to. I want to be there for you. Call me if you're scared. Talk to me if you're lonely. I am still me. I haven't gone anywhere. And I am done burning bridges. I am done looking for happiness in materialistic things. I am done wasting time. But I'll never be done being there. For you or anyone else. Its all relational right? I'm diving in head first. And the days where my sin is running rampant... I lose connection. I become lost. Within days I become a zombie. If I keep my eyes on God.... everything else falls into place. I have tested it. I have seen it and felt it. It's very real. The nights I run have shown me that I'm still human. The nights when I don't think I can make it... I push through it and I feel like a monsoon. Its all work of a beautiful creator. Its one giant painting. I see art. I am art. You are art. I'll leave you with one question. What is more beautiful: A lonely lover or a lovely loner?
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Godly Thoughts (Maybe)
Knowledge:
For all the things I think I understand and don't understand... it all turns out to be nonsense. The only real understanding I have is that God is patient. Every wrong thought will be corrected and God will continue to turn those lousy ideas and half-truths on their head. I am truly lost without God. In the gospel, Jesus talks about being like children, which I think I can apply here. Children are always continually learning and growing. We, as adults, need to find that innocence. We need to learn and ask questions. We need to test it all out.
Insight:
Ben and I were discussing Fasting the other day and he was telling me in detail what he has experienced through Fasting and how it has changed him. After everything he told me, he told me one last thing which deals with the book of Ecclesiastes. As he was reading through that particular book while Fasting, God revealed to him that most things in life deal with vanity. Everything is lust and vanity. He went on to tell me that this was such a major insight for him and it helped him get over the daily ideas of buying clothes, cars, having materialistic lust and a personal image that he and everyone else is trying to pursue. It became so clear to him. It helped him remove those irrelevant ideas from his life. He is now much more into being a man of God and not so greedy and self-centered. Not only did this story give me insight, it really showed me what Ben has gone through as a christian. I love hearing stories like this. And I think Ben is right. When we focus on God... our self-image crumbles. It becomes so unimportant that we forget about it entirely. We need to mirror Christ, not rock stars. I'll be reading Ecclesiastes soon.
Family:
About 13 years ago, my mother had a choice. Two options. She could of hung on a little longer or escaped with my sister and I. God gave her these options and she made the right choice. God saved us. He used my mother to save us. But he also used us to save my mother. Even if she didn't feel worthy, she was. All of us were worth it. Everyone is worth saving. If you know someone who needs to be rescued... then save them right now! Maybe all they need is one person to reach out.
I love you mom. Thank you.
For all the things I think I understand and don't understand... it all turns out to be nonsense. The only real understanding I have is that God is patient. Every wrong thought will be corrected and God will continue to turn those lousy ideas and half-truths on their head. I am truly lost without God. In the gospel, Jesus talks about being like children, which I think I can apply here. Children are always continually learning and growing. We, as adults, need to find that innocence. We need to learn and ask questions. We need to test it all out.
Insight:
Ben and I were discussing Fasting the other day and he was telling me in detail what he has experienced through Fasting and how it has changed him. After everything he told me, he told me one last thing which deals with the book of Ecclesiastes. As he was reading through that particular book while Fasting, God revealed to him that most things in life deal with vanity. Everything is lust and vanity. He went on to tell me that this was such a major insight for him and it helped him get over the daily ideas of buying clothes, cars, having materialistic lust and a personal image that he and everyone else is trying to pursue. It became so clear to him. It helped him remove those irrelevant ideas from his life. He is now much more into being a man of God and not so greedy and self-centered. Not only did this story give me insight, it really showed me what Ben has gone through as a christian. I love hearing stories like this. And I think Ben is right. When we focus on God... our self-image crumbles. It becomes so unimportant that we forget about it entirely. We need to mirror Christ, not rock stars. I'll be reading Ecclesiastes soon.
Family:
About 13 years ago, my mother had a choice. Two options. She could of hung on a little longer or escaped with my sister and I. God gave her these options and she made the right choice. God saved us. He used my mother to save us. But he also used us to save my mother. Even if she didn't feel worthy, she was. All of us were worth it. Everyone is worth saving. If you know someone who needs to be rescued... then save them right now! Maybe all they need is one person to reach out.
I love you mom. Thank you.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Life Goes On
"Time is very precious to me. I don't know how much I have left. And I have some things I would like to say. People say to me 'How do you get through life?' To me, there are three things we all should do everyday. Number one is laugh. Number two is think. And number three is you should have your emotions moved to tears.
Think about it. If you laugh, you think and you cry... that's a full day."
- Jim Valvano
Think about it. If you laugh, you think and you cry... that's a full day."
- Jim Valvano
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Change
With this new shift... friends have disappeared. Ideas have imploded. Its slowing down. All of it. And I find myself sleeping with one eye open. But the sleep is better than ever. I cant imagine what it will be like with two shut lids.
My heart keeps shooting revenge in the throat. He is becoming weaker and weaker as my piggy bank is filling up. Filling up with hope and laughter. Not a laugh with "I told you so" trailing it. But a laugh from the pits of clarity. Laughter with vision. Vision of something different. Not bad. Not good. Maybe amazing. My family can see it. Can you? Everything with inside me feels it. Can you? My wallet smells it. Can you? I want it more now than ever. Do you?
My heart keeps shooting revenge in the throat. He is becoming weaker and weaker as my piggy bank is filling up. Filling up with hope and laughter. Not a laugh with "I told you so" trailing it. But a laugh from the pits of clarity. Laughter with vision. Vision of something different. Not bad. Not good. Maybe amazing. My family can see it. Can you? Everything with inside me feels it. Can you? My wallet smells it. Can you? I want it more now than ever. Do you?
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