Getting Up

I like to watch everybody gravitate towards you
Your magnetic presences make them come thru
The same way you got them
You got me too

Thanks Melatonin! (You Placebo, You)

Many nights I have stayed awake because of my wandering mind. And I turn on the T.V. and watch in complete horror. Flashes of fast food commercials and infomercials. Images of skinny women and muscular men and they're all using vagisil and taking viagra. Why I am always being sold something? You cannot buy me!





...if only I could sleep.

Lists (Because I'm Bored)

Books that I have read since May:

01. Velvet Elvis - Rob Bell
02. Sex God - Rob Bell
03. Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is) - Joshua Harris
04. Welcome To the Revolution - Brian Tome
05. Kitchen Confidential - Anthony Bourdain
06. the Ragamuffin Gospel - Brennan Manning
07. Searching For God Knows What - Donald Miller
08. Soul Cravings - Erwin McManus



Books of the Bible I have read and re-read this summer:

01. Matthew
02. John
03. Ecclesiastes
04. Revelation
05. Romans
06. Genesis



Movies I have seen in theaters this summer:

01. the Hangover
02. UP
03. Star Trek
04. X-Men Origins: Wolverine
05. Bruno
06. Moon
07. Public Enemies
08. Harry Potter
09. Ponyo
10. the Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard


Albums that I have discovered and have come to love this summer:

01. Artists & Authors - Beauty In Everything
02. Bonobo - Live Sessions EP
03. the Grouch & Eligh - Say G&E
04. L.A. Symphony - Composition #1
05. MGMT - Time To Pretend EP
06. Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson - self titled
07. Ohmega Watts - the Find
08. Ohmega Watts - Watts Happening
09. Paper Route - Absence
10. Ray LaMontagne - Gossip In the Grain
11. Tanya Morgan - Brooklynati
12. White Lies - To Lose My Life

Daryl Palumbo

"This is a new garden over old flowers. And old makes the old jokes take on the feel of the lore. And new lips a cradled sense of humor, so don't waste wishes on him. Wish that one day they'd figure out how to shrink stars and I could keep one in my bedroom. And wish that me and her grow old together. And wish that in my next life I come back as a tiger. These are fun wishes. In about seven minutes you can start. 'Til then, you'll just listen to the radio from seat's edge. As if then it's the look on your face. As if. As if then you'll matter... and then I can't wait."

Soul

I keep putting myself through hell for no apparent reason. Long days and late nights of misery. And it is literally killing me. Chopping off chunks of my soul. It has slowed down since I was younger but it needs to stop completely. It is in someway denying God. Telling him that I have found something better. But the truth is... I haven't found something better. God is best thing we all have. Nothing is higher or more important than him. Nothing is greater than God's love for us. And I have prayed for this to pass. I have prayed for divine intervention. I asked and I received.

Recently, right before I committed suicide of the soul, an angel came to my home and saved me. We discussed music, drugs, siblings and friendships while enjoying some root beer and waffles. We laughed and spoke of the great pleasures of life. She saved me. She saved me from taking an axe to the soul. God sent her. Right before I gave up... he showed me mercy.

My soul is worth saving. Your soul is worth saving. God wants to save us. He wants to water our souls like flowers. You and I are walking around craving something. We all long for something. We usually think its a car or a significant other but really our souls are crying out for God. We are thirsty. And if we deny ourselves the love God has for us, we dry up. We wither way like a dead flower. We become cold hearted and unhappy. We lose sight of what's real.

If your thirsty, ask for some water. Ask God for help. He will always come through. He provides. He sends angels. He sent me an angel with a watering can.

Fractals

What happened to my love
It disappeared
I can't get it back
But if I could
I'd give it to you again

Optimism

Right now I feel more in the dark about the past few years than I have ever felt. It all seems so mysterious. I thought I knew what was going on. I thought I knew how certain people felt about me, how they felt about themselves and about their own personal goals. But right now... now I feel like its one giant mystery. It could take me years to decipher what it all meant and who was telling the truth. Or it could take me one moment. It all depends if I decide to analyze it. It is all in the past though. Maybe If I figure some things out it will better prepare me for the future. I'm not sure at this point.

I also feel like a true individual again. When you go through life with another person for a period of time... your thoughts and ideas blend together. You think the same. You go to the same places. You eat the same food. You socialize with the same people. But recently I have started to do "Drew" things again. So far it hasn't been bad. But it hasn't been amazing either. In due time it will become very precious to me. It was before. And it will be again. I have found myself turning my phone off for days on end to give myself breathing room. I couldn't have done that awhile ago. Its nice. I need "Me" time. And "Me" time has been evolving into time with God. Its good stuff. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I wonder what the consequences will be of putting all my thoughts and experiences into a blog for everyone to read? I guess Im not too concerned. I have nothing to hide. I hope that anyone who stumbles across it will find some insight or at least an interesting story or poem to make fun of. Its my way of expressing myself. Its my way of telling the world my story. It seems like a good portion of people like to talk about themselves. No one really seems to ask me any deep questions. Its all small talk or surface stuff. "Whats new?" or "How's school?". Those are not deep questions. I like deep questions. So instead of locating someone who finds me extremely interesting, I will blog about everything I do, see and feel. And they can come and go as the please. This is not an attack on anyone. But here is a word of advice... ask better questions. Be more interested in other people. Open your mind and listen to someone else's story. I do it all day and I enjoy it immensely. That's why I have a blog. To release it all. I like people and I want to know them. Do you?

Goodnight.

2:00 am

It's not that I need to love someone (although I do)... it's that I'm missing being loved by someone else. It's gone. And I miss it. I want to know that I am important. There is no need for you to be so independent. Dependency is not a bad thing. You can depend on me if you want. In fact... I want you to. I want to be there for you. Call me if you're scared. Talk to me if you're lonely. I am still me. I haven't gone anywhere. And I am done burning bridges. I am done looking for happiness in materialistic things. I am done wasting time. But I'll never be done being there. For you or anyone else. Its all relational right? I'm diving in head first. And the days where my sin is running rampant... I lose connection. I become lost. Within days I become a zombie. If I keep my eyes on God.... everything else falls into place. I have tested it. I have seen it and felt it. It's very real. The nights I run have shown me that I'm still human. The nights when I don't think I can make it... I push through it and I feel like a monsoon. Its all work of a beautiful creator. Its one giant painting. I see art. I am art. You are art. I'll leave you with one question. What is more beautiful: A lonely lover or a lovely loner?

Godly Thoughts (Maybe)

Knowledge:

For all the things I think I understand and don't understand... it all turns out to be nonsense. The only real understanding I have is that God is patient. Every wrong thought will be corrected and God will continue to turn those lousy ideas and half-truths on their head. I am truly lost without God. In the gospel, Jesus talks about being like children, which I think I can apply here. Children are always continually learning and growing. We, as adults, need to find that innocence. We need to learn and ask questions. We need to test it all out.



Insight:

Ben and I were discussing Fasting the other day and he was telling me in detail what he has experienced through Fasting and how it has changed him. After everything he told me, he told me one last thing which deals with the book of Ecclesiastes. As he was reading through that particular book while Fasting, God revealed to him that most things in life deal with vanity. Everything is lust and vanity. He went on to tell me that this was such a major insight for him and it helped him get over the daily ideas of buying clothes, cars, having materialistic lust and a personal image that he and everyone else is trying to pursue. It became so clear to him. It helped him remove those irrelevant ideas from his life. He is now much more into being a man of God and not so greedy and self-centered. Not only did this story give me insight, it really showed me what Ben has gone through as a christian. I love hearing stories like this. And I think Ben is right. When we focus on God... our self-image crumbles. It becomes so unimportant that we forget about it entirely. We need to mirror Christ, not rock stars. I'll be reading Ecclesiastes soon.



Family:

About 13 years ago, my mother had a choice. Two options. She could of hung on a little longer or escaped with my sister and I. God gave her these options and she made the right choice. God saved us. He used my mother to save us. But he also used us to save my mother. Even if she didn't feel worthy, she was. All of us were worth it. Everyone is worth saving. If you know someone who needs to be rescued... then save them right now! Maybe all they need is one person to reach out.


I love you mom. Thank you.

Life Goes On

"Time is very precious to me. I don't know how much I have left. And I have some things I would like to say. People say to me 'How do you get through life?' To me, there are three things we all should do everyday. Number one is laugh. Number two is think. And number three is you should have your emotions moved to tears.


Think about it. If you laugh, you think and you cry... that's a full day."

- Jim Valvano

Change

With this new shift... friends have disappeared. Ideas have imploded. Its slowing down. All of it. And I find myself sleeping with one eye open. But the sleep is better than ever. I cant imagine what it will be like with two shut lids.
My heart keeps shooting revenge in the throat. He is becoming weaker and weaker as my piggy bank is filling up. Filling up with hope and laughter. Not a laugh with "I told you so" trailing it. But a laugh from the pits of clarity. Laughter with vision. Vision of something different. Not bad. Not good. Maybe amazing. My family can see it. Can you? Everything with inside me feels it. Can you? My wallet smells it. Can you? I want it more now than ever. Do you?

I Feel the Same Way Mark

"I can live a whole month on one compliment."
- Mark Twain

End Of the Week Rant

A rant to shed some light (no spellcheck, no revision)



People will screw you over. Even the people who you think care about you. People will let you down. They are never 100% reliable or loyal. Be it friends, family, girlfriends, boyfriends, band members, pets, doctors, etc. You cannot rely on anyone except God. You could spend 50 years with someone and they could be gone tomorrow. Who knows why or where they went. God is the only constant. I could be pissed about what has happened to me in my life forever but it won't help anything. I could write out a big list of the people who have screwed me over in my whole life and... no, I take that back. I could give you a giant list of the people who have screwed me over since the beginning of 2009 and hold onto those bad memories forever. But that will not help me. It wont make me grow or continue to keep a kind soul. It will only make me bitter and miserable. I have been severely screwed (recently I may add). But you have been screwed too. And probably by someone you thought would never hurt you. But you have to forgive. You have to or it will consume you. Your whole life will be based on that hidden revenge. If we all walked around holding grudges forever we wouldn't have family, friends or anyone. We would keep everyone at a distance and that's not good. It is not good at all. It's lonely living like that. You have to let go. Be thankful for what bad things haven't happened to you. Be thankful for the things you do have. You might not notice right now but try to look at the good things. Its hard at first but if you try, you will notice. When life knocks you down, don't blame God. God doesn't control people's actions. Everyone is free to do whatever they want, whenever they want. Even if it's pure evil or selfishness. Pain is out there. Its all over. But so is love. If your not looking for love, you'll miss it. Instead of running from God, run towards him. If you look for him, you will find him. He is there. He wants you. I don't know what my future holds. I wish I did. But I do know that if I hold onto the pain and bitterness... It will kill me. And you know what, it doesn't matter how bad someone or something screws you over. It doesn't matter. Even if you think that person deserves the worst of the worst, you have to forgive them and let go of that hate. God is doing good things in my life. He is closing doors and opening new ones. I have been pursuing him more in the past two months than I ever have. And it's good. I have been letting go of the pain. It still creeps up and attacks but its becoming less frequent and less painful. I wont forget but I will forgive. Everyone is good and kind until proven otherwise. If you discover they aren't, you should continue to love them but keep your distance. There is no need to hate or single them out. Just keep your distance. Be cautious. Take care of yourself. Love everyone. Even if they don't deserve it. This is how things are supposed to work. God created us to love. God created us to be around people. God created you to be loving, kind and to care about people. Its only when we stray away that we hurt people and ourselves. I am not a religious nut. Im just telling it like it is. Telling the truth. And the truth can hurt. Its hard to swallow at first. But its still the TRUTH. This is a call out. A call out to everyone who feels hurt or screwed over. I have felt that way too. But I have discovered that God will free you. Your soul needs freedom and God has that for all of us. This is a call out for everyone to try to be more kind. To show more love. To be more friendly. To understand that we are all experiencing hurt. Put aside your fear, anger and hate let God take its place. Love is good and God is love.

Pain

My current mess is not fresh. Not fresh at all. It’s a very difficult mess. One giant messy mess. And although the storm isn't over, the damage is slowly being discovered and it has to be repaired.

During this mess I have been reading a book titled Sex God by author and pastor, Rob Bell. His book is perfect for me. It has opened my eyes so much. And even though I feel like I am walking thru complete darkness right now, I have found great messages inside of it. So today on my break, I was reading and I came across a section that jumped out and grabbed my heart. It struck such a huge chord in me. In all honesty, I teared up. The text seemed like it was written for me. ME!

Hopefully when I’m down and out I will remember to this.




"If you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God feels.

If you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed and vulnerable, left hanging in the balance, you know how God feels.

The cross is God's way of saying, "I know what it's like."





I was completely shocked that this was written in the book I was holding. I witnessed a real miracle. It was quite breath taking. So what did I do? I kept reading.





"Our healing begins when we participate in the suffering of God. When we don't avoid it but enter into it, and in the process enter into the life of God. When we see our pain not as separating us from but connecting us to our maker.

And In this connection, there's always the chance we'll find a reason to risk again.

If God can continue to risk, then maybe we can too.

Perhaps you have had your heart broken by somebody. You risked and extended and offered yourself, and they rejected and turned away and didn't return your love.

There is something divine in your suffering.

Somebody divine in your pain.

You know how God feels.

Really good, loving people get hurt. It's how things are.

Maybe you are living in the wake of a relationship that fell apart. You have to dig those moments up. The parts that hurt and the awkward conversations and the anger and the failure and the misunderstanding and the betrayal. You have to dig them up and acknowledge them before you are ever going to heal.

The danger is that you will decide it isn’t worth it. Why risk if it's going to hurt like this? The tragedy would be for you to shut down, to allow a wall to build around your heart, and for something within you to die.

A decision not to risk again is a decision not to love again. They go together.

In matters of love, it's as if God has agreed to play by the same rules we do. God can do anything - that’s what makes God, God. But God can't do everything. God can’t make us love him - that’s our choice.

Love is risky for God too."





After reading that, my day looked a lot brighter. I felt amazing. I needed this! This was written for me. And the truth is, it makes complete sense. I now see how this is working and why there is so much pain. Maybe this mess will transform into love and growth. Maybe I will come out of this much stronger than before. Maybe God does feel my pain. Maybe I can forgive too.

I find comfort in this. I can see a resolution and a small light at the end of a long tunnel. I see freedom.

Album Reviews

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311 - Uplifter



311 was probably my favorite band from the year 2000 till about 2005. Which is a good chunk of my high school years. I know all of their songs and I have seen them live 8 times. I was obsessed with them. And then around 2004 or 2005 I started to notice more people wearing their t-shirts and listening to their albums. People who didn't seem like they would like a stoner rock band. And I'll be honest, I was pretty upset. I know its cliche to feel that way but I was still pissed none the less. So I bought their last album Don't Tread On Me in 2005 and it was not the greatest album in the world. In fact I only liked maybe 3 songs off of the whole record. Most of the newer songs just sounded very poppy and radio friendly, which I hated! So the past few years I have been very skeptical of them and the future of their music. So I decided I would give them another chance with Uplifter, which is their newest album. It dropped June 2nd. I bought it that day and listened to it in my car on the ride home. I found myself absolutely disgusted. I didn't hear one good song. This album is the worst album I have ever heard! Do not listen to it. It is all recycled crap from a washed up band. They are in it for the money!

Am I being too harsh? I think not! When you invest your time, money, and love into a band for so long, you cant help but be critical once they start making dumb decisions. Oh, by the way. This is just my opinion so you might like the new album. But what I'm trying to tell you is that you will find this CD in the used Cd section everywhere in about a year. Just don't buy it.












U2 - No Line On the Horizon


To me, no album will ever be better than the Joshua Tree but this album comes really close. I love everything about it. The artwork. The black and white photos. The album name. The music. EVERYTHING! I think the last great U2 album was Achtung Baby which came out in 1991. Every album after that is fairly weak. And then they released No Line On the Horizon. It's a gem. I have been listening to it religiously since its release. If you don't like U2, you might like this album because its a great display of real music. If you do like U2, then I you HAVE to like it. That's the way it works!













Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavillion


Animal Collective is a great band. Animal Collective makes great music! Animal Collective could run a small country! Their new album has already changed my life for the better. Compared to their older albums, this one is a lot more upbeat and much more positive. Its a great album for a sunny day drive. The singing style on Merriweather Post Pavillion reminds me of the Beach Boys. And if you know me at all, then you know I love early Beach Boys songs. This band is weird and I love it. This album is amazing and I love it. And If you love yourself, you will buy this album.